Sunday, May 09, 2010 @ 12:54 PM
I know I'm supposed to be over it, but I don't think anyone can fault me if I continue to remain sad until the week ends or so. I feel really mean towards my friends because I really can't muster up any enthusiasm to congratulate them. It really sucks to want something so much and not get it. As I look at the list, I can't help but think that there's something very, very wrong with me. I haven't cried yet. Not really, anyway. I'm pretty tempted to lash out at people and have a massive breakdown but, no, that wouldn't be appropriate, would it? I hate the feeling of having to fake a smile when I'm around people and pretend that it was no big deal, because, fact is, it
is a
big deal. I don't think anyone, other than dearest, know how much I wanted it. The others can't possibly understand. I've always thought that the words "I know how you feel" are bullshit. No one can possibly know how another person feels unless you're in the exact same situation and, well, we all know that's not possible, right? I'll probably kick whoever tells me that in the following week. And I certainly hope that no one will tell me to look on the bright side, because there ain't a bright side to this. At least not one that I know of. I feel like a massive letdown to some people, because they were the ones who had believed in me. They were the ones who told me to keep my cool and just be myself. And they had believed that I would shine. But I didn't. Shine, I mean. I kept my cool pretty much and was more or less myself. But I hadn't shine. So what does that mean? I don't shine as a person, huh? Being myself meant that I won't be able to shine, because I was never anyone outstanding to begin.
Omg great way to comfort yourself, darling.
So really, there must be something fundamentally wrong with me. I mean, everyone shines right? Everyone will shine somehow and people will pick up on it. So if I did shine, people would have picked up on it. But the results aren't showing me that, which can only mean one thing -- I just don't shine. Okay I realise that's a pretty warped argument but whatever. I can't remember wanting anything this badly. This... ache for what I've lost before even getting my hands on it. It sucks. And I really don't know how to look at people straight in the eye and tell them that I'm fine, because I'm not and I'm getting tired of pretending to be alright. If I've told you that I'm fine, it's pretty much a lie. But I do hope that people who realise that it's a lie can just let me off. I'd much rather they let me wallow in depression than to take pity on me. It's pathetic, disgusting even, for people to take pity on you because you weren't good enough. Okay that's warped too but I like to think that. I don't think I'll be able to stand it if anyone takes pity on me, so please, please don't do it. I've yet to be degraded to that stage.
And I just realised how disoriented this post is. My thoughts are all broken and jumbled up. Oh yay.
Thursday, May 06, 2010 @ 6:18 PM
Recently, I've been nurturing an unhealthy fascination with
http://love.givesmehope.com/ . It's basically this site where people post short stories of themselves (or events that they've seen or heard about) pertaining to love. So, a usual post would probably entail a really touching act that a boy has done for his girlfriend, and how the love encompassed in that gesture has give the girl hope in the depraved world that we're living in now. Okay I made up the last part about the depraved world, but that's about the gist of it. Anyway, I was starting to wonder if all these short stories really happened or if they are just that. Stories, I mean. Somehow it just seemed rather impossible that there are so many acts of love in this world. So maybe I'm way too cynical for my age. Or something. But in any case, I was starting to doubt the site, when my own story came along. I'm not gonna post this on that site, but if I wanted to, it would look something like this --
My boyfriend and I had a huge quarrel today. I told him not to send me home because I didn't want to spend the journey quarreling. But he did and we did, anyway. As we walked towards my house, we were walking at different speeds and, by the time I reached the lift, I couldn't find him anymore. Scared and hurt, I took the lift to my house without calling my boyfriend or looking for him. When I got home, I went to bathe immediately, thinking that it would give me some time to mull over my mistakes. When I got out of my bath, I saw that I had received text messages from my boyfriend asking me to go to my window. When I got there, I saw the silly boy sitting at the top floor of the multi-storey carpark and looking up at my window. I called him and both of us cried. Everything's fine now and I'll do anything to make sure that it stays that way.
LGMH.
Sunday, May 02, 2010 @ 12:49 AM
Your love's what keeps me going. I love you.
Friday, April 30, 2010 @ 12:53 AM
I wonder if you'd realised how often you've been flaring up at me recently; I wonder if you'd realised how much we've been quarreling recently; I wonder if you'd realised how much I've been apologising and begging recently; I wonder if you'd realised how fast the clock is ticking; I wonder if you'd realised, as I did, how little time we have left; I wonder if you'd realised what a wreck I'd be without you; I wonder if you'd realised how much a hug means to me; I wonder if you'd realised a change in my attitude over the past few months; I wonder if you'd realised how much I'm willing to give up or turn a blind eye to for you; I wonder if you'd realised why I chose to keep some emotions from you; I wonder if you'd realised that telling me not to be afriad isn't going to work if you won't stop flaring up at me... All I want is some comfort and a few reassuring words, but I've come to realise that they are rather hard to come by recently..
Monday, April 26, 2010 @ 10:31 PM
